Emails From The Edge by AL Bowden

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Emails From The Edge
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Subject: Visit
From: dadabear@dot.com
To: popple101@dot.com
Hello love! Dad here, how are you keeping? Your mum has told me to get out from under her feet so I thought I'd come in the study for a game of solitaire on the computer and drop you a line.
Retirement seems to be suiting me. Your mum suggested a hobby would be good, she said DIY was clearly not my forte. She doesn't understand that some jobs are bigger than they first appear. Still, the water's back on now and really what's house insurance for if not to cover these little mishaps? Besides, your mum's been on about replacing that lino in the kitchen for ages, so it's a blessing in disguise really.
Your mum's been encouraging me to go fishing and make the most of the nice weather. I told her it doesn't need to be good weather and that fishing is an all-weather hobby if you have the right clothes. She said we'd better make sure I had all the right clothes for all sorts of weather. She's so thoughtful. Mind you, she practically forced me out of the house the other day, my rod was all tangled by the time I gathered my faculties and got it in the car. I don't know what the hurry was but she'd packed my lunch so quickly, my sarnies went a funny shape and sandwich spread squidged out into the cling film. Plus she'd popped a banana on top which left them with a bit of a funny taste. I fed most of them to the ducks to be honest and bought a chicken and mushroom pie off Big Jon who keeps a food van nearby. Don't tell your mother!
We spent a few nice weeks in Cornwall in the caravan but since we've come back you poor old mum's been a bit stressed. She's working more hours at the Red Cross shop. There's been a sudden shortage of volunteers. And she's working more with the Towns Women's Guild committee. I think she's overdoing it and she's worn out, poor love, it's certainly given her a bit of a short fuse.
I tried to cook her a meal the other night. Got a nice bottle of wine from the Co-op in the reduced bin. It took me ages to put all the ingredients together, shame we never got to taste it. I suppose the clue is in the name, but they really should warn you about the velocity involved with removing the lid of a pressure cooker. Still, the ceiling needed re-doing anyway. All the walls are stripped now and the kitchen's half papered. It'll not take me long once I'm back on my feet, though you mum keeps threatening to get a man in. And it's about time we got a new stepladder, that old wooden one was your grandpa's. Your mum rather cruelly inferred it was the extra few pounds I put on from eating Cornish pasties and cream teas that made the rung give. I think she was annoyed at having to clean emulsion off the cabinets where the roller caught them on the way down after not long getting all the stew off of them.
She brought home a nice set of golf clubs from the charity shop last week too. Shame I can't get out and learn how to use them yet. It's so thoughtful of her to encourage me into trying new activities.
Anyway, I was hoping I could talk you into a visit? Cheer your old mum up a bit. She was stressed before my accident but now, well, to be honest love, she can get this almost menacing look in her eyes. It's quite disconcerting. It would be nice to see a friendly face! Don't tell her I said that. Come soon love, if you can.

Subject: Visit
From: mamabear@dot.com
To: popple101@dot.com
Karen. Please come and save me from the hell that is your father's retirement!
I told you about the disaster when he tried to fix the washing machine and flooded the kitchen didn't I? Now the man's gone and fallen through a rung on the ladder and broken his ankle. He was redecorating the kitchen. We only had it done 18 months ago but I can't find that same pattern for the wallpaper and it took me ages to find that. He had quite a major cooking disaster. I can't face going into it. Suffice to say I was clearing up food debris for days and he is now banned from the kitchen. I'm going to get Eileen's nephew to come and finish it. He can fit that new bit of lino for me too. Nice lad, moved into that flat above the wool shop on the high street with his boyfriend. Explains why I could never get him interested in you, not that you encouraged him at all.
If you're coming up, give a ring first to check I'm here. I've increased my hours at the Red Cross. I work Mondays and Fridays now as well as Wednesdays. I told your dad they were short of volunteers but I volunteered, truth be told. I've also become event organiser for the TWG. It's a new post. I'm busy organising day trips and the odd bit of fundraising. I'm doing a three mile three-legged walk in a couple of months, will you sponsor me? It's for breast cancer on account of that scare Lilly Henshaw had. Turned out the lump she felt was buckled up underwire in her bra. Dr Parish has shown her how to examine properly now. She came to a meeting and showed us all. It was quite enlightening. Still, the scare put the willies up all of us for a day or so.
I wish I could find something to occupy your dad, he's driving me potty. It's worse now he's laid up. He leaves the radio on 5 Live in the bathroom talking to itself and the TV remote hasn't been in my hand for so long I can't remember what it looks like. I used to like ironing in the afternoon and watch whatever film was on, or a Perry Mason or Marple, but now your dad sits there and chats all the way through stating the obvious, unless I can get him out fishing.
I bought him a set of golf clubs, tenner in the shop. No idea if they're complete but Barbara's Jack plays and he can get your dad lessons at his club. Now he's done his foot in that'll have to wait, so I brought him home a 1000 piece jigsaw puzzle of France. He's been doing it on the dining table. It's been there for days. Bits of it keep getting stuck to the bottom of our plates when we have our dinner and I'm forever picking bits of Brittany out of the plughole when I wash up.
I'll have to close now. I can hear him ferreting in the kitchen looking for biscuits. He's put on half a stone already, it makes his snore more! A button popped off his shirt yesterday, he said he had a thread loose, likely story.
Come soon, won't you?
Bye for now,
Mum. x

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Subject: Visit

From: dadabear@dot.com

To: popple101@dot.com

Hello love! Dad here, how are you keeping? Your mum has told me to get out from under her feet so I thought I'd come in the study for a game of solitaire on the computer and drop you a line.

Retirement seems to be suiting me. Your mum suggested a hobby would be good, she said DIY was clearly not my forte. She doesn't understand that some jobs are bigger than they first appear. Still, the water's back on now and really what's house insurance for if not to cover these little mishaps? Besides, your mum's been on about replacing that lino in the kitchen for ages, so it's a blessing in disguise really.

Your mum's been encouraging me to go fishing and make the most of the nice weather. I told her it doesn't need to be good weather and that fishing is an all-weather hobby if you have the right clothes. She said we'd better make sure I had all the right clothes for all sorts of weather. She's so thoughtful. Mind you, she practically forced me out of the house the other day, my rod was all tangled by the time I gathered my faculties and got it in the car. I don't know what the hurry was but she'd packed my lunch so quickly, my sarnies went a funny shape and sandwich spread squidged out into the cling film. Plus she'd popped a banana on top which left them with a bit of a funny taste. I fed most of them to the ducks to be honest and bought a chicken and mushroom pie off Big Jon who keeps a food van nearby. Don't tell your mother!

We spent a few nice weeks in Cornwall in the caravan but since we've come back you poor old mum's been a bit stressed. She's working more hours at the Red Cross shop. There's been a sudden shortage of volunteers. And she's working more with the Towns Women's Guild committee. I think she's overdoing it and she's worn out, poor love, it's certainly given her a bit of a short fuse.

I tried to cook her a meal the other night. Got a nice bottle of wine from the Co-op in the reduced bin. It took me ages to put all the ingredients together, shame we never got to taste it. I suppose the clue is in the name, but they really should warn you about the velocity involved with removing the lid of a pressure cooker. Still, the ceiling needed re-doing anyway. All the walls are stripped now and the kitchen's half papered. It'll not take me long once I'm back on my feet, though you mum keeps threatening to get a man in. And it's about time we got a new stepladder, that old wooden one was your grandpa's. Your mum rather cruelly inferred it was the extra few pounds I put on from eating Cornish pasties and cream teas that made the rung give. I think she was annoyed at having to clean emulsion off the cabinets where the roller caught them on the way down after not long getting all the stew off of them.

She brought home a nice set of golf clubs from the charity shop last week too. Shame I can't get out and learn how to use them yet. It's so thoughtful of her to encourage me into trying new activities.

Anyway, I was hoping I could talk you into a visit? Cheer your old mum up a bit. She was stressed before my accident but now, well, to be honest love, she can get this almost menacing look in her eyes. It's quite disconcerting. It would be nice to see a friendly face! Don't tell her I said that. Come soon love, if you can.



Subject: Visit

From: mamabear@dot.com

To: popple101@dot.com

Karen. Please come and save me from the hell that is your father's retirement!

I told you about the disaster when he tried to fix the washing machine and flooded the kitchen didn't I? Now the man's gone and fallen through a rung on the ladder and broken his ankle. He was redecorating the kitchen. We only had it done 18 months ago but I can't find that same pattern for the wallpaper and it took me ages to find that. He had quite a major cooking disaster. I can't face going into it. Suffice to say I was clearing up food debris for days and he is now banned from the kitchen. I'm going to get Eileen's nephew to come and finish it. He can fit that new bit of lino for me too. Nice lad, moved into that flat above the wool shop on the high street with his boyfriend. Explains why I could never get him interested in you, not that you encouraged him at all.

If you're coming up, give a ring first to check I'm here. I've increased my hours at the Red Cross. I work Mondays and Fridays now as well as Wednesdays. I told your dad they were short of volunteers but I volunteered, truth be told. I've also become event organiser for the TWG. It's a new post. I'm busy organising day trips and the odd bit of fundraising. I'm doing a three mile three-legged walk in a couple of months, will you sponsor me? It's for breast cancer on account of that scare Lilly Henshaw had. Turned out the lump she felt was buckled up underwire in her bra. Dr Parish has shown her how to examine properly now. She came to a meeting and showed us all. It was quite enlightening. Still, the scare put the willies up all of us for a day or so.

I wish I could find something to occupy your dad, he's driving me potty. It's worse now he's laid up. He leaves the radio on 5 Live in the bathroom talking to itself and the TV remote hasn't been in my hand for so long I can't remember what it looks like. I used to like ironing in the afternoon and watch whatever film was on, or a Perry Mason or Marple, but now your dad sits there and chats all the way through stating the obvious, unless I can get him out fishing.

I bought him a set of golf clubs, tenner in the shop. No idea if they're complete but Barbara's Jack plays and he can get your dad lessons at his club. Now he's done his foot in that'll have to wait, so I brought him home a 1000 piece jigsaw puzzle of France. He's been doing it on the dining table. It's been there for days. Bits of it keep getting stuck to the bottom of our plates when we have our dinner and I'm forever picking bits of Brittany out of the plughole when I wash up.

I'll have to close now. I can hear him ferreting in the kitchen looking for biscuits. He's put on half a stone already, it makes his snore more! A button popped off his shirt yesterday, he said he had a thread loose, likely story.

Come soon, won't you?

Bye for now,

Mum. x

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